Can you believe it!!! I'm still here!
I think I only have one reader left, but heck, that's a start right?!
I've been struggling like crazy with things to write and as every day progresses a million things go through my head only to leave my head just as quickly when I decide to write about them.
For at least the near future, things are going to be just a tad different with the blog. Not that it has ever been much about business anyway, but I think for a while we'll try to get into some stuff.
This morning I get a text from a single mom. Just a normal conversation about church, God, singing, etc. Then she tells me that she just had a talk with her kids about Christmas this year and that she to tell them that the only gifts they would be getting would be from the grandparents. One of the daughters then replies, "it's OK mommy, all I want is you".
Not an hour later, one of my employees comes in, and she is usually tough as nails, but I could tell something was up. So my nosey butt asked. Just the act of asking brought on the tears. All she said was "why does life have to be so effing tough sometimes?"
I've got my own "life's issues" going on as well. Life is just a true bitch at times. No matter how hard you try, things just knock your butt right back to the ground.
I've always tried my best to look around before complaining about things. I have a job, my kids are healthy, all that good stuff we take for granted, but some days................dang life is just a battle.
I'm sure I've talked God a little in this blog, but I think I'm going to go in a little different direction today. Only because I think there are a lot people out there struggling. Struggling with life, struggling with Faith, struggling with Something to believe in. If so..........I'm right there with ya.
For about the last year, I think I've been further away from God then I think I ever have been, or at least that's how I've felt. I want something to believe in!! I have found myself grasping at anything and everything. My last cycling coach based a lot of his philosophy on Buddhist thought. It was very appealing so I started reading more and more about it. I enjoyed the 'peace' it offered and the external feelings that it offered. I say external because at least with me, a part of me still felt vacant, empty. The emotional part.
As I mentioned before, I've been going through quite a bit of stuff lately. Almost hitting rock bottom (no I'm not an alcoholic or hooked on any type of drug) I needed something more. I was pissed at God and found myself questioning everything I had ever been taught about Faith and God. Where the hell (no pun intended) is He? Why do things have to be so difficult at times? Why put us through tests?
What's sad is that I ask all those questions but really know the answers. He still pisses me off though. And you know what???????? As His son, I'm allowed to be pissed off. I'm allowed to wonder.
Know something else? It's OK to wonder. It's OK to question. Heck it's OK to doubt (though I find that this gets you no where) I'm not claiming to have the answers, in fact I don't have a frigging clue to any of it. I'm starting from scratch. I'm not believing things because I'm told to believe them anymore. I want to learn and KNOW on my own. I want to experience the love of Christ on my own terms. This isn't easy. I'm the master of Doubt. I want God to show me. I know He exists, in my heart I just know He does. There's just too much awesome evidence to argue that, but I still want Him to show me.
There's a song that I just heard the other day called "Live like that" by Sidewalk Prophets. I was just going to post a couple of lines, but once I read it, I need to post the entire song, here ya go.
"Live Like That"
Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs
Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song
I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You
If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true
People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You
I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You
If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King
I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You
If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
I know there are those out there that think, "Dude, you're reaching!!" or "I need more" or "It's in your head, you are coming up with something just to appease some angelic need in your head".
Ya know, my degree is in biology. I spent four years at a university, in a building where most students in my same field just didn't believe in a Greater Being. I've been down the same road myself. How does something create all of this? How does some great being create so much?
Because HE can!!! I believe He can. And so this is where my new journey begins. From the very basics of Believing. I believe He has our best interests at heart. We can ask "why" all day long. He doesn't need to explain that to us. We just have to believe that He has a plan for why things are happening. With that said though, I still believe shit happens. We have been given free will to screw up as many things as we choose to. This is not His fault. What do most of us do when we screw up? Run right back to God. We bitch and moan about the way He does things, but like any parent, we run right back into His arms and want Him to fix everything.
With regards to the song mentioned above. How do you live? When people see you do they see the example of Christ? I don't think people see that when they see me. Guess I have something to work on. We are all left with so much responsibility. Shine!!! Shine like you know how. Be an example to all. That's all He wants us to do. Shine so much that when people associate with you, they know you follow Christ. Shine so much that they want to be like you. Can you imagine a world if we all had the compassion of Christ? Instead we live in a world that is so selfish its crazy.
Have any of you seen the girl around town with the bike and the dog? The homeless girl. How many of you have offered anything to her? I haven't.
Geeze this is just one rambling mess, but for now it's all I've got. Maybe it'll get me going on writing more. It's good therapy.
Hope you all have a super day.
God Bless
