Pre Race Ritual

No! This isn't me!!!  I route for number 99.

Well my brain is fried and after working on policies for the last 12 hours, I'm in one of those sort of don't give a crap kind of moods.  So tonight, I'm swallowing all my pride (what there is of it) and hope to make you giggle a little.  I'm learning more and more who reads this stuff so if one of my referral sources, friends, enemies, whatever, and see me on the street after reading this, don't give me any crap.  To all of you who have a poor self image of yourself, I'm right there with ya baby. 

I'm not even sure how to start this, but here it goes.  This weekend I'm doing a mountain bike race in Fountain Hills.  Not a big deal, just another bike ride.  The funny part though, would have to be my usual pre-race ritual. 

Realize now, that I'm not the baldest guy in the world.  In fact, I can make Sasquatch look like he's thinning.  This is typically no big deal, after all that's what clothes are for..right?  My fear........losing my clothes.

Now, remember I spent the younger part of my life (dang that was a long time ago) working in hospitals.  When someone is brought into the ER in pretty rough shape, what's the first thing they do?  Cut your frigging clothes off (mind you, you have to be in pretty bad shape for this to happen, but I've seen it, heck I've cut clothes off of some people)!!  It's just easier for them to evaluate you and hook up all those wires if you are garmentless.(like that word? :) )

This is sort of going down the same road as the old adage your mom used to say, "make sure you have clean underwear on".   As a cyclist, I won't go into the underwear thing (they don't wear any).  

So!!!! Long story short,  I don't want to be racing, have a major crash, and whammo I'm in the ambulance struggling for my last breath.  I'm not worried about dying, you know what's on my mind???  Are they gonna cut off my shirt and say "holy crap look how hairy this guy is".    Now that people, is one of my biggest fears while racing.  Isn't that pathetic? 

A few years ago, one of my teenage employees turned me on to Men's Nair.  I'm sure it's the same as woman's nair, but it's a little easier to buy when it says "men" on the bottle".  Plus it was a teenage guy that told me about the stuff so I'm sure I'm not the only guy out here using it. 

Ok, I'm a pretty limber guy.  Problem is, I'm now 40, and one of my shoulders has pins holding it together and the other one I hurt last year and it hasn't gotten any better.  Needless to say, they just don't move like they used to. 

The hairy chest I can handle (minus the small amount of flubber that seems to be growing), but a hairy back......ugh!!  Not happening.  If I'm going to crash going down a rocky cliff, by God my back is going to be smooth as silk when I get to the hospital.  

I'm too self conscious to ask my wife to help me, so ya I nair my back by myself.  Even I get a laugh out of this while I'm attempting it.  So I hide out in the bathroom for about 1/2 hour with my latex gloves, bottle of nair, and some old towels that I'm throwing away when I'm done.   So I go to town squirting the stuff on my hand and gracefully (not really) putting it on my back.  I swear the stuff is always about 32 degrees cuz I about go into shock every time it comes into contact with my skin.  Ok......Low back....Piece of cake.  Upper back.........not too bad.   Middle back.......are you friggin kidding me!!!! There is one spot that I pretty much have to twist into oblivion to touch.  I look like the 40 year old virgin and the elephant man having some sort of weird seizure.  I truly look pathetic.  Every bit of pride I have is out the door when this is going on.  I'll tell my kids when their older just in case they have to go through the same thing, but for now, I'll just let them believe their dad is a manly man. 

After you put the Nair on, you're supposed to wait 15 minutes then wipe it off.  Well hell!!!  Now I have to try and reach all the same places that I cramped trying to reach the first time.   If my grandma is looking down from heaven, she is laughing her butt off while watching me attempt this pride less feat. 
If I really had guts, I'd post pictures, but not in this lifetime.:)

So there you have it.  My pre-race ritual.  Now if Newell reads this, and since he's racing with me, I'm sure to get a little bit of crap at the race.  I'm hoping he will be too busy until after we get back to read it. 

If you have issue with your body image, know that you're not alone.  This is something that has bothered me my entire hairy life.  As I get older, I don't quite care as much, but as you can see, I'm still willing to turn into a contortionist every so often to avoid any humiliation. 

Well there you have it.  Hope you had a laugh on my account.  Time for my glass of wine and little bit of TV.  Have a good night.